Thursday, December 30, 2004

half-sleep

Since leaving the Farm on Monday, I have been operating in a kind of netherworld, bursts of energy and determination interspersed with long bouts of drugged sleep. sleep has always been my drug of choice, a bloated overload of sluggishness and sloth that only drives me deeper into a waking awareness of how stuck i am in the present. sleep is my default response to psychic ennui, my shut-off valve, an ether that overtakes me every day in the early afternoons and evenings. like the first rush of chemicals shooting through my veins, i stretch out in a chair or on the couch, giving myself over to this sweet surrender, the suspension of thought and movement, the seduction of the in-between as the gentle unconscious begins to take hold. only to come-to minutes or hours later, the daylight gone or too high overhead, in another day or still in the same one, but not sure, unsteady, heavy, hungry and hung-over, full of self-loathing for the time wasted, time lost, time unrecoverable.

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