Wednesday, January 05, 2005

deep breaths

the beginning of January lull. waiting for snow, waiting for ice, waiting for the unending grey to take hold. i struggle with my role as parent these days as the fragile world that I have created for myself since D left for college in september is upended with both children now home for several weeks. i grab the time when they are asleep or not in the house greedily, as if it were an oxygen mask. i chafe at the mirror they hold up to me. who am i to them, what I am supposed to be? i have no model for this stage of our lives together, can only dimly remember being conscious of my own mother at their ages, and attempt to wrap myself in a shroud of invisibility. make sure the trains run on time, that there is food in the fridge, money in the bank, that the cable bill is up-to-date, laundry soap by the washing machine, a car to use.

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