Sunday, February 06, 2005

so many words

...and so it comes to this: it is not, i'm afraid, enough to be your own best friend.

at least not today, on my birthday, when i feel so alone and so sad, empty and hopeless. the calls from my kids this morning, their loving and dutiful voices music on the other end of the phone, dinner with my parents last night, but more of a celebration of my mother being upright than anything else. she was uncomfortable and ansy before the main course was finished, so i was left to wait for the bill alone. i bought a neighborhood-sized bag of chocolate covered raisins at the convenience store, and ate that as my birthday cake, in front of re-runs of Law & Order. I have tried, all day, to not fall through the floor as I always do on my birthday, running just ahead of the cloud of despair, waiting for something unexpected to happen, which it never does. yesterday, i saw J driving in the bright sunlight, his top down, sunglasses on. he gave me a little, almost imperceptible 3-finger wave, his hand hardly moving from the steering wheel and roared-off. all day i missed him, all day i was off my game, willing him to come by, willing him to stay the night, hating him and wanting him at the same time.

my age hits me harder than ever before. i am not just an adult, which i've just barely come to terms with, but i am an aging adult and this fact is tough. i am still struggling, still working everything out as if i were an adolescent, still living in split worlds, split minds, not knowing who i am or how i want to spend the change in my pocket.

i don't want to be married, but i wonder why i am not? why has everyone else that i know managed to negotiate this terrain? why do i feel like a fragile vessel that leaks all of the water that is poured into it?

faith is the evidence of things unseen, but i am so very tired of not seeing.


Blogger Linda said...

I know exactly how you feel. I turned 40 this past October, and I am now wondering of the "what if"s. What if.....I married someone else than who I am married to now, What if....I never had kids..... I am feeling so lost and confused, I just wonder if this is what a mid-life crisis is all about.


3:44 PM  
Blogger carocaro said...

i don't think it's so much a midlife crisis, as it is what happens to us after the first adult decades of our lives. you're on a certain track and suddenly feel as though you've gone off the rails. i know that it is these periods that are the most crucial--the in-betweens, the periods of horrible uncertainty--if we can manage to stay in them long enough to learn what they have to tell us, without runing away itno self-destructive behavior, then one day, most unexpectedly, the clouds begin to break.......

4:29 PM  

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