Saturday, February 19, 2005

why again the why

tired, too many indulgences, can't settle. world is scrambled by the weird confluence of seeing Jeffrey several times in public over the past few weeks and feeling unalterably sad that he doesn't appear on my doorstep, despite all the door-slamming i've done. throw into the mix a nice guy who i met 'virutally' who has all the right pedigrees --ivy league, tenured, learned, articulate--i was totally infatuated on email, loved his picture, but when i talked to him last night felt wayyy too in control, detected more than a little wounded bird, a little too needy, a little too nice.....but which is worse? neediness covered-up with a thick veneer of nastiness and alcohol or one that is right out there?

why is 'nice' not something i am drawn to? why does 'nice' make me want to run as fast as i can towards every guy who ever treated me badly?

i don't know. just want to crawl back into my hole. tried to move a bureau from one room to another, thinking some sort of productivity would make me feel better. but, wouldn't ya know it, it's now stuck between rooms and god knows who i will have to invite over to help me.

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