Monday, February 21, 2005

winter returns

only the neighbor's dog barking out beyond the old barn and the snow coming down in slants. it must have started late last night after i went to bed, after i had dinner with my father at Bittersweet where Jeffrey sat with his his back to us like a slammed-shut door, after lunch with JG in providence which was what i expected it to be--another very needy and wounded man who i was pleasantly surprised by as i saw him from a distance but then got up close and tried not to see the uneven shave, the rumpled clothing, the bits of white on the shoulders of his sport coat, all a disapointment foretold and made fact, after my drunken saturday night at the Pawkachuck party and finding myself in EM's big white truck, his kisses too hard and his hand too fast down my shirt as if he were grabbing the gearshift and trying to go from neutral straight into fifth, after driving away and leaving a message on Jeffrey's cell --i'll leave the backdoor open if you need place to crash--and believing that my little message in a bottle would find the shore.

and so now it is snowing again and i am back to where i was before, my bravado and self-assurance of the past few days tattered, lost in a forest of my own circling, exposed, cold and looking for a way home.

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